What makes me happy..

 What makes me happy is fall days, and sunsets, and the chill of the first october morning, and the simple things. The things many would think are insignificant, but to me are the most amazing things in the world. What makes me happy is when someone spends the time to get to know me, when they can just recite fun little facts about me, facts I didn’t even know myself. I love when someone can bring out the real me. I love the little victories, whether it’s understanding a math concept, or making just the right kind of cookies, I love seeing the utter success and happiness in people’s faces when they accomplish something. I love being apart of that success. I love when people are embarrassed by little things like their laugh or their smile because that is usually my favorite part about someone. And I like handwritten letters, and the way the rain sounds when hitting the window, and that split moment when everything in the world stops, and you just get to sit and think and listen. That is what makes me happy.

Sometimes Ranting is Okay

I can honestly say that I hate the world we live in, and this isn’t some pessimistic plea for attention, it’s just there are girls and boys giving their innocence away at such a young age. Trying to chase the pain away with a shot of vodka and a snort of cocaine. Kids killing their brain cells, losing motor skills, slicing open their own skin because they can’t seem to control their feelings in a more beneficial way. The children of this world are turning into addicts and criminals, and we are all ignoring it, because it’s too much for us to handle, too much for us to fix. People need to understand that you can’t “fix” this. Everyone is broken in their own way, and we can’t keep sending these kids and adults to therapy, and hospitals. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and that is when you tell people to figure it out themselves, be their own hero. I can honestly say that I hate that phrase because this world wasn’t meant to be lived in alone. We can’t just expect all these people to just figure it out, and kill themselves in the process. How many times are kids going to end up in hospitals because of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders until we finally step up and realize that we CANNOT do things alone. We can’t afford to have all these teenagers drinking and ruining their lives at such a young age. Trying to find someway to kill the pain. We aren’t meant to “Be Our Own Hero” if we were, humans wouldn’t be built the way they are. And we wouldn’t all be striving for that relationship, for that love, for that attention. We need to all learn that sometimes it’s better to depend on a complete stranger, than it is to find answers at the bottom of a bottle, or in a sharp piece of metal, but we also need to learn that people are not medicine, and there is no reason to hurt yourself more. Eventually maybe you should be able to depend more on yourself, but don’t beat yourself up, when you can’t do it alone. Life is a learning process and we will all learn that high school sucks. We will all have that teacher that hates us, and creates more problems in our life then we need, we will all have that teacher who doesn’t believe in us, and those friends that cut us down. We will all learn that high school girls are the worst, and you will never be as good as them, but it’s okay because they hate who they are anyway. We will all experience heartbreak, and parental problems, and the feelings of not being good enough, but we can’t let that say anything about us, because within those feelings we can strive. We will all learn that real life is a slap in the face, that college is a fortune, and that jobs suck, and that sometimes you will spill your coffee, and forget to pay your rent. That will happen to all of us, at one point or another, but we will also learn that we can do it, and that we have a light in us, and sometimes it’s okay if the only person you save is yourself. And if you have people in your life who are judging you on the way you kill your sadness, dump them. Kick out all the negative people in your life. Stop being a negative person  Thrive, live your dreams. Try your hardest to be happy. I dream of happiness, because there is far too much hurt in this world. I dream of acceptance and love and security. I dream that everyone in the world that is struggling right now, will find peace in themselves. I dream of a better generation, than the one we live in now, better parents, less teenage pregnancies and less drug abuse. I believe we can achieve that.

Journal Expansion

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”

This quote was made by Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This is a quote that wholeheartedly agree with. I think it is completely true that words are a source of magic because you can create so much with them. You can create stories, and people, and objects, you can create so much more than you realize. The done side of that though, is being able to create pain with words. Words are sharp, sharper than rocks being thrown at you, and that is why people need to be aware of what they are saying are doing. My favorite part of words is the nice things you can say and do with them. For example, a phrase as simple as “I love you” can really make someone’s day, which is great!

New Beginnings: 2k15

I’m normally not the kind of person who makes New Years Resolutions, because I think they are a silly way to set yourself up to fail. This year, I’m starting to think differently. I want 2015 to be my year.

My resolutions go as follows:

  • Pick up books again.
  • Write beautiful works of art.
  • Pick up my camera again.
  • Tell more stories, don’t fade out, make yourself heard!
  • Stop the self hate.
  • Be grateful for everything.
  • Keep my life in perspective.
  • Let myself be happy.
  • Bleed for a different reason this year.
  • Donate. My time, my money.
  • Pass Junior year.
  • Drive.
  • Build closer relationships, with family and friends.
  • Work with kids. Because they can bring you more joy than you realize.
  • Be okay with being alone.
  • Lose a little bit of the weight I gained after quitting color guard.
  • Learn to say no.
  • Create better coping mechanisms.
  • Stop hiding, stop being afraid, STAND OUT!
  • Remember that everything will be okay, and you are good enough.
  • Start senior year with my head held high

I am determined to make this year, my year.

Alone and Bleeding.

Do you remember the first time someone left you? The way you didn’t get a goodbye, or an explanation? The conversations just got shorter, and the laughs stopped, and they just seemed to have a permanent bored look around you.
Do you remember that? Do you remember when you thought you had best friends? When everything was okay?
Do you remember the sleepless nights, and the shrieking cries into your pillow? I bet your mom remembers.
You were 12. The first time.
It was more painful than you were expecting, but you knew they weren’t your real friends.
13 the next.
They told you you were annoying and they never liked you. A hole opened in your chest.
14 after that.
They told you you weren’t good enough, they didn’t want you, you were replaceable. You were too much for them to handle. The hole starting bleeding.
15.
You came to expect it. You pushed every single soul away. The pain was too much to bear now. The hole in your chest eventually bled out.
16.
You became self conscience. They told you you didn’t matter. You left them before they could leave you. You didn’t feel pain anymore.
You’re 17 now.
Scared of who will leave you next.

Dreams and Aspirations

I dream of all things, just like any other teenager. I dream of a day with no pain, no tears, no heartache, although I would believe that teenagers aren’t the only ones who dream of that, I’m sure that there is at least one small part in all of us that dreams for that. Those dreams just sound so minimal though, so small. I dream of bigger things, larger things. I dream to touch the sky.

I dream of big things.

  • I want to graduate high school, that is the biggest dream I have right now.
  • I want to move as far away from Utah as I possibly can, I want to move to Portland and strive.
  • I want to travel. I want to go everywhere and anywhere. Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia.
  • I want to own my very own apartment, decorated just how I like it, a place I can call home.
  • I will own two cats, one gray tabby and one orange tabby. They will be best friends.
  • I will own two golden retrievers, Leo and Henry.
  • I want to work at National Geographic. That is my life’s dream.
  • I want to write and take pictures. I want to write about us and our lives and the future.
  • I will marry a beautiful man, and start a family of 2 beautiful children. Brookelyn and Christopher.
  • I want to go to the Art Institute of Portland, and study Photography and Design.
  • I will open a photography studio called Hipster-esque Photography or Photogenics.

I dream of happiness, because there is far too much hurt in this world. I dream of acceptance and love and security. I dream that everyone in the world that is struggling right now, will find peace in themselves and I dream that they will not search for that peace in others, because people are not medicine, and there is no reason to hurt yourself more. I dream that everyone learns that they all have a light inside of them, and that it’s okay if the only person they save is themselves.

Drunk on Thoughts

“Sometimes I get a little bit too drunk on my words and thoughts and emotions, and I tend to vomit them all out. I apologize for this because no one deserves to be left stranded not knowing what to say to someone. But then again, no one deserves to be left alone with their own thoughts either. I honestly can say that I hate the phrase be your own hero, because this world wasn’t meant to be lived in alone. We can’t just expect all these people to just figure it out, and kill themselves in the process. We can’t afford to have all these teenagers drinking and ruining their lives at such a young age. Trying to find someway to kill the pain. We aren’t meant to “Be Our Own Hero” if we were, humans wouldn’t be built the way they are. And we wouldn’t all be striving for that relationship, for that love, for that attention. We need to all learn that sometimes it’s better to depend on a complete stranger, than it is to find answers at the bottom of a bottle, or in a sharp piece of metal. Eventually maybe you should be able to depend more on yourself, but don’t beat yourself up, when you can’t do it alone.”

-me(I wrote this)-

Adversity and Challenges

Adversity has been a big part of my life for quite awhile now. When I was in 8th grade I was diagnosed with chronic depression. Now that was definitely a hard thing to learn at 14. Because of all the stigma on mental illness I kept to myself. I couldn’t nor did I want to face my reality. Depression makes it hard to get out of the bed in the morning, it turns perfectly capable people into zombies and dark clouds.It makes a home in your body and you have to work like hell to get it to a point where it’s sort of manageable. I haven’t quite beat depression yet, I haven’t necessarily been able to come back strong yet, but I’m working everyday. It’s a challenge that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Great Poetry Hunt

“I have no name until you name me.

I have no form until you shape me.

I don’t exist until you make me.

I am creativity.

I am waiting deep inside of you.

Touch my spark.

And let me light you.

Give me life.

And I’ll revive you.

I am creativity.”

-Unknown-

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I love this poem because it describes creativity exquisitely. This author really understands what creativity is. I love how it talks about how Creativity is nothing until you do something with it, it all starts with you.

What are you afraid of?

Fear is not something I know how to write about. It’s not something I know how to explain, it’s just something that over powers my entire life. It’s something that causes me to rethink all of my decisions, all of my conversations, all of my relationships. When you ask someone what they are afraid of, they will tell you death, spiders, clowns, the dark. What I am afraid of is much greater than that. What I am afraid of is getting close to anyone, getting close and then having them leave, not being good enough for them, or being too much for them to handle. Watching that one person that you love, whether your best friend, your significant other, your parent, walk away is something that will rip your very being apart in ways that I can’t even explain. It will break you, or at least it broke me. It broke me to the point of not trusting, of being afraid, of never getting close to anyone. It caused me to hate myself in more ways than one. Fear is definitely something that controls my life, something that makes me think that I will never be good enough. So when you ask me what I’m afraid of, yes I will say the generic things like, spiders, clowns, the dark, etc. But what I am most afraid of is being alone, being unlovable, being unwanted, and never being good enough. What I am afraid of is far greater than a bug or a person in a costume.